Well. Here we are again. I know I haven't written in some time, but I find myself alone in my room on a Saturday night needing to express myself. Since all my friends are guys, and they are currently at the club right now, I somehow found this the appropriate place to express what I have to say for the time being.
All I can say is that a lot has happened in my life in the last six months. Things I never thought would happen to me have. I'm not at liberty (or willing to for that matter) to discuss them on here, but I can say that it has definitely taken me by surprise. Things have happened that I always said I never would let happen, yet somehow it did. Things I use to judge other people for. By no means do I regret anything I have done, because not until very recently did I learn that regretting your past will not change anything you have done. In fact, regretting decisions you have made only makes you relive them. Then it can throw you into a state of depression, and all you want is to be alone. The only way to grow is to take those decisions you made and learn from them.
I can say there are days when I am absolutely fine and I feel like I have the world on the string. However, there are also days where I feel like the world is moving on without me, while I am left behind in the dust. These days are the ones where I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. Sometimes I have reason to feel this way, but more often than not I don't. Somedays life is just so difficult, and all the only energy I have is to turn over and go right back to sleep under the covers. I know that one day, all the pieces will fit together; both in life and in my heart.
So often I worry about the future and what it holds for me. I worry about where I'm going to live, the job I'm going to have, the car I'm going to drive, whether or not I will make enough money to support myself, and I worry about the one I will give my whole heart to. I worry about is there someone out there who can truly love me? Am I good enough for someone to want me? Am I pretty enough? More recently I have been worrying about will they accept me for me? I worry about graduation, and what takes place after graduation. I worry about when my friends leave for the summer. I worry about finding a roommate. I have so many worries in life and I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life. I'm not worthy, nor do I deserve what He has in store for me. He loves me when I am unlovable. This concept is so hard to comprehend, because at the moment I do not feel worthy at all.
For now that is all, although I'm sure I will be back with something more. Who knows, maybe it won't take me 6 months next time. So for now...Goodnight and Goodluck.
